Labels: DCF

I spent a very pleasant evening last night on the phone with an old lover. It was like I had slipped back in time to when he & I were first starting to see each other and we spent hours on the phone.

There is a comfortableness between us like my favorite fuzzy slippers or my blankie. His snarky observations and comments never fail to either aggravate me or make me laugh. He knows me a bit too well and fortunately, I can say the same thing.

I found myself wishing for the briefest of moments that we were back together. I mean, here is a man who found me attractive, smart, funny and who was definitely my equal mentally and yet, some of the issues were there in the background still. But he was constant and never used me. He was kind and had moments of thoughtfulness. I was not ready for him the first go round, but I don't think I could do that to him again (if he would even go for another jaunt down that road) because while I think I know my heart and head, he scares the hell outta me. I am the variable in the equation--not him. Funny that, because in the recent disasters, I was not the variable. Do you think it could be that I knew deep down that the past couple of jerks were just that and I was just waiting for their true colors to show through? Maybe I am the constant variable of aloofness in this maze of love.

Love is a hard thing for me to comprehend. It certainly has been lacking throughout most of my life. The people that I have been closest to never seem to stick around. The common denominator is me in all those relationships. Yet, the one thing I have longed for, have desired, have worked hard for is the very thing denied. I have to do some introspection and ask--Is it me? Am I unlovable or simply unable to express my love in an appropriate manner? I really don't know the answers to those questions. When I look at myself I see someone who is generous, kind, giving, hardworking. Perhaps that is just a distorted image mirrored back to me.

Regardless my confusion on that subject, I know that this old lover brought comfort to me in a week fraught with emotional ups and downs. He has a calming effect on me...until I start thinking about how I feel about him and then the jitters set in with a vengeance. I don't know what he gets out of the erratic relationship we have, but I hope he knows he is cared for deeply by me.

God, I am turning into a sap! Has Sassy lost her sizzle? Getting the heart dropped kicked steadily for 6 months now....yup, I think that will do it!

Labels: Sassy gets sappy again

Sorry about the sappy, self-pitying last post. I was going to delete it until I saw I had a comment (probably faithful Utenzi).

So this week, I started with my new job...I love my new boss! She encourages me to work out every day (which I have) and I get to sit in my pjs, drink coffee & work. Because she lets me set my own hours, I can go off and have a long lunch with Metro and do my work at midnight.

My friend Jadey has invited me to set up temporary shop in her office so I can be around people--she knows me well....I have to be around people! So, tomorrow, I am going to do just that. Plus, I may get a massage while I am there!

Today, I plan to finish up a project and deliver it. Work out. Go to a network meeting with several of my clients, and then meet a potential new client. Full day! I also have to squeeze some school work in. The masters program is kicking my ass, but with the new boss, it should be a lot less stressful. Yesterday, she let me work on a team project that was due!

Labels: New Boss

This song by James Ingram is floating through my head tonight:

I Don't Have the Heart

your face is beaming
you say it's 'cause you're dreaming
of how good it's going to be
you say you've been around
and now you've finally found
everything you wanted and needed in me
i don't have the heart to hurt you
it's the last thing i want to do
but i don't have the heart to love you
not the way you want me to
inside i'm dying to see you crying
how can i make you understand
i care about you, so much about you, baby
i'm trying to say this as gently as i can
'cause i don't have the heart to hurt you
it's the last thing i want to do
but i don't have the heart to love you
not the way you want me to
you're so trusting and open
hoping that love will start
but i don't have the heart
oh no, i don't have the heart

I feel like I keep getting told this. Yeah, I know "sappy, Sassy". Not feeling too smiley right now.

Labels: sad

Sorry about the lack of DCF...I was having technical difficulties with the picture uploading.

Weekend update: met up with Dancing Dude now known as Cabana Man. We hit it off, we had chemistry, he is dynamite in bed and we spent all weekend together. Yet...I believe he gave me the brush off today. *sigh* I just can't get it right or maybe more accurately--he can't get it right. He is already prowling for his next girl du jour (I saw he was prowling the dating site we met on). I think the issue is this: he likes/finds anorexic women attractive...no anorexia for SassyAssy. I was good enough for some pleasant romping, but I got more admiring gazes from the men around us at the restaurant the night we went out than from Cabana Man. Oh, and Cabana Boy is making noises about wanting to see me again. Ben my wife is waiting in the wings for a reconciliation. Did I mention that my divorce attorney said my soon-to-be ex & I made a very attractive couple and we got along so well that she couldn't believe we were divorcing....my response was along the lines of "we get along because we are divorcing". Yikes! Scary thought not getting that...should be final in a mere 10 days.

So....moving right along. I am calling "uncle" as I just can't endure the games any longer. Crazy cat lady coming right up! Sorry, guess I am sad as I was liking the idea of me and a man who likes to dance. I was liking Cabana Man a lot and I thought it was returned in kind. Instead, I was a welcoming committee/temporary bed warmer until something "better" comes along. At least I am astute enough to see this rather than be blindsided like I was by the last one. I just want to be held and loved, ya'know? My friend Metro told me that men are intimidated by me 'cause I am total package. He said it is going to take an extraordinary man to 1) not be intimidated 2) appreciate me. How come these men always seem married? I have some terrific male friends like Metro & Dave who think I am the bomb, but they are married. Come on guys, clone yourselves so I can have an unmarried male fan club.

Labels: crazy cat lady, men

I promised an update of my life:

I decided not to take the employee position. I just can't do it. I am a freedom loving girl and want to work for myself. I will make it work and with the investor on the near horizon things are looking promising. My last day at my big client will be this Friday and I am hoping all the migraines I have been getting because of them will be left behind. Is it a little scary not knowing how all the bills will be paid? Absolutely! I have faith though and I have been bringing in accounts with little effort so I am sure it will be fine and once I actually try to get accounts I will have more than I can handle. Send prayers, good vibes out to the universe...whatever your method...for me!

Dancing dude...we talk for a minimum of two hours every night. He will finally be living close by as of Friday this week. Our first official date is Friday night and if the chemistry is there...Saturday will be our second date. We hope to become dance partners as well as romantic partners. We have a tremendous amount in common. He is quite handsome with a killer grin and he makes my heart skip beats when I watch his dance videos on youtube. If things progress...we picture a studio in a shared abode. He is a space loving guy...compatible with my space loving girl ways....another big plus.

I have a new dance instructor...Felipe...and he is the only instructor I have had in the past 4 years who has gotten my salsa up to an acceptable level...all in one lesson. He is incredible!!!

My faithful Honda is on my bad list at the moment. The ex thinks there is a problem with the piston rings or some such thing....all I heard was $$$$$$.

Labels: dancing, life and all that stuff

I can only hope this meets Utenzi's stringent cleavage requirements! Lots of interesting things going on in Sassy's life....will share when I get a moment to absorb it all!

Labels: DCF

So much for my cute valentine graphic....oh well *sigh*


Looks like this day started off right!!! I got some sweet valentine emails, a teddy bear & a box of chocolates! Also got treated to a valentine lunch...I feel loved!!!

Labels: Valentine

I have been taking a writing workshop. I believe I mentioned it a million years ago. Anyway, I really have not discussed it since the initial workshop. I wrote a story based on a painting by Sargent. Katherine, the workshop coordinator, called it "flash fiction". Katherine loved my story and she showcased it in the second workshop. Her opinion matters a great deal to me as she has been published, she has a Masters in Fine Arts Creative Writing, and she is an editor. I was asked to read my story aloud and received a standing ovation when I was done. If you would like to read it, I have provided the link to Norah's Eyes.

At the second seminar, we viewed some funky folk art to inspire our next project. I wrote a poem, but I have been encouraged to enter it in a contest, so I won't be publishing it here. Additionally, without viewing the work of art that the poem is based on, the poem would lend credence to the thought that I was on an acid trip when I wrote it! Fortunately, the category that I am entering allows me to provide a link to the art work.

Tomorrow night is our third workshop and I was asked to submit my poem...not sure if it will be showcased this time, but no matter! I enjoy the workshops and I am picking up a wealth of information.

Labels: artful writing

Labels: DCF

February has brought with it the winds of change! As I posted on Friday (in lieu of DCF), I have a real job with benefits beginning the 25th. Then, on Sunday, I met with a new client and he is so impressed with what he calls my "unique business model" and "visionary" qualities that he wants to invest in my business...he thinks I am going to be making a lot of money! This guy is a former CFO of a huge company in NYC and I impressed him! WOW! Still walking on clouds.

Benny, my soon to be ex-wife, is driving me crazy!!! And I am ready to flee!

Also on Friday, I found out that I lost both my dance instructors...and then my Dancing Dude found me...he is going to be moving to the same city I will be working in the weekend of the 22nd. He starts his new job on the 25th also! He is from Indiana and he has been ballroom dancing for 5 years. He loves Latin dance like I do and he is looking for a new dance partner. We seem to get along quite well so far. He is handsome, 47, separated. Anyway, we shall see what happens when he is actually here!

Cabana Boy is coming down on Sunday for a few days! Yeah! I could use a bit of TLC!

Also, met another guy who lives locally. He is 36, has two young kids, is separated, and cute. We shall see whether we actually meet or not.

Went to see Christian, the creator of the Black Bartender drink that I so love! He is looking as hot as ever. What an incredible grin!!!!

Labels: men

Sorry there was no DCF today....woke up with a hell of a migraine...one of the worst in recent history. I barely made it out of bed, much less round up the camera, take a pic of the fabo girls and post it!

The Good News:

I found a job with benefits...just in time for the divorce. Downside is a 45 min commute each way, but I will suck it up for the time being.

The Bad News:

I found out that both my favorite dance instructors left the studio I take my lessons at...very very sad day. It is like both my hubby and lover left me at the same damn time! I am heartbroken!

I will try to make it up to you guys on the missed DCF!

Labels: DCF