I spent a very pleasant evening last night on the phone with an old lover. It was like I had slipped back in time to when he & I were first starting to see each other and we spent hours on the phone.

There is a comfortableness between us like my favorite fuzzy slippers or my blankie. His snarky observations and comments never fail to either aggravate me or make me laugh. He knows me a bit too well and fortunately, I can say the same thing.

I found myself wishing for the briefest of moments that we were back together. I mean, here is a man who found me attractive, smart, funny and who was definitely my equal mentally and yet, some of the issues were there in the background still. But he was constant and never used me. He was kind and had moments of thoughtfulness. I was not ready for him the first go round, but I don't think I could do that to him again (if he would even go for another jaunt down that road) because while I think I know my heart and head, he scares the hell outta me. I am the variable in the equation--not him. Funny that, because in the recent disasters, I was not the variable. Do you think it could be that I knew deep down that the past couple of jerks were just that and I was just waiting for their true colors to show through? Maybe I am the constant variable of aloofness in this maze of love.

Love is a hard thing for me to comprehend. It certainly has been lacking throughout most of my life. The people that I have been closest to never seem to stick around. The common denominator is me in all those relationships. Yet, the one thing I have longed for, have desired, have worked hard for is the very thing denied. I have to do some introspection and ask--Is it me? Am I unlovable or simply unable to express my love in an appropriate manner? I really don't know the answers to those questions. When I look at myself I see someone who is generous, kind, giving, hardworking. Perhaps that is just a distorted image mirrored back to me.

Regardless my confusion on that subject, I know that this old lover brought comfort to me in a week fraught with emotional ups and downs. He has a calming effect on me...until I start thinking about how I feel about him and then the jitters set in with a vengeance. I don't know what he gets out of the erratic relationship we have, but I hope he knows he is cared for deeply by me.

God, I am turning into a sap! Has Sassy lost her sizzle? Getting the heart dropped kicked steadily for 6 months now....yup, I think that will do it!

Labels: Sassy gets sappy again