Well, my Sunday gal-pal day really energized me. I am radiating massive positive energy. I worked out for two hours, got a massage, had Japanese food, and went to a movie with my friend Jadey. She reminded me that it is crucial to do some things just for Sassy so I have something to give back to others and how true those words are proving. I also worked out for two hours last night. I feel awesome!

Awesome and conflicted. I am at a crossroads with Joseph. I adore him, but I don't think he will ever open his heart to me. I don't care about wedding rings or such types of commitment, but I do care about a commitment of the heart. I know he cares about me, but I want love. Yes, I said the "l" word. I want it and he does not feel that for me. No, he has not said that (and what sane person would), but his biggest compliment to me is saying "You are so cool to hang with". Maybe, some of you guys will defend him and say that is the kin to saying he loves me, but I won't believe you. The sex is incredible, but it is not enough for me. I need the affection, the attention that he either can't or won't give me. We are only in the 3rd month and the honeymoon appears over and I think that is too soon by any standard. He has some personal problems that seem to stand shadow over us and I feel alone. Valentine's Day never really meant something to me, but my heart dropped when he said he did not want to do cards, candy, flowers--nothing. I don't care about $100 bouquets or a truckload of Godiva, but a small gesture, well that would have more meaning and I am to be deprived of even that...without a say in the matter. I hate how Valentine's day makes singles feel...it truly is a "Sucks to be single" holiday. Someone should blow up Hallmark!

Perhaps, the timing is good for a slow peeling away because with tax season heating up, I am getting very busy and I have my exercise/health goals re-established. Plus my new business needs some serious attention if I am to make it a success and I only have three classes and a major project to finish up school. I have also neglected girlfriends and I hate that. I recently read an article that said single women in their late 30's - 50's are happier than their married counterparts because they keep something that the marrieds don't--their female friendships. I am a firm believer in keeping my female friends because they are often there when the man is long gone. I value my female friends and I have not been the type of person to diss my single female friends when I am with someone. So I am revising my schedule--less Joseph, more Sassy & friend time. I realized on Sunday that I was lacking the energy, spark, passion that makes me Sassy and that indeed, attracted Joseph in the first place.

I am looking for a new dance partner...headed to Charlotte NC for this particular fix. My friend Jadey and I are expanding our horizons and have revitalized our dream to go to Argentina to dance the Argentine tango there. I have missed my dancing something fierce and I want to get that back into my life.

So this is a bittersweet post. A life lesson that continues to blossom and for once, I am going to embrace this and go with it wherever it takes me. I am not heartbroken and that is a good feeling, but I know what I want and I no longer want to compromise that with false hopes that things will be different tomorrow or the next day. I can't control someone else, only myself. I don't want to control Joseph...his heart is his to give or not and if he chooses not, well, it is time for me to take my leave because I want heart/soul/body/mind. I have had the crumbs, I want the whole loaf and I know that somewhere out there is a man willing to give that to me without fears, reservations, circumstances. I am willing to wait for that man to appear and I know he will come because my energy my heart is sending out that signal.

Labels: Joseph, love