A very dear friend turned 30 this week and she is struggling with this milestone. She has a life plan and she is not quite where she thought she would be. My only advice to her would be to live in the present and enjoy what she has. Especially to enjoy her family and celebrate her closeness with them. Sometimes goals block our view to what is going on right now. I know she will reach her goals because they are achievable and she is headed in the right direction. 30, 38, they are just numbers. I never think about being 38 (so damn close to 40) until I see the number staring at me in the face. I don't feel old, I don't act old, and I am told I don't look old. Who came up with the idea to remind us each year that we are not getting any younger?

My life certainly has thrown me more curves than I care to count since age 30. This time of year is extremely hard for me. I want to fast forward to November 11th and miss October 11 - November 10 altogether. It was October 11, 2000, that my mom decided to give up her fight with ovarian cancer. She died on November 5, 2000, and we buried her on November 10, 2000. My sisters and I drove up the Blue Ridge Parkway on October 12th to soothe our wearied souls by communing with nature. It was an incredible day with the trees bursting with the jewel tones of fall and the weather was perfect. I wonder when I will look forward to this time of year again. It is not like I consciously think about this "anniversary", but I go through this month on autopilot feeling depressed for no apparent reason. This year is especially hard because my family, with the exception of my older brother, have nothing to do with me. You could say they have excommunicated me due to religious differences. Several other friends in my life who have been there for me in the past have moved on and away from me. I am trying to take my own advice above to enjoy the present. I have many many positive things going on with a beautiful new apartment, freedom to be myself, a job I enjoy, a busy social calendar, and dancing. But it is not enough this time of year.

I am hoping that by writing my feelings (and I have not even touched the depth of them) that I can put some distance between me and my memories of that painful time in my life.

I am having dinner with an old friend tonight who went through a divorce last year. We always end up laughing ourselves silly when we get together so maybe that will help me live in the present for at least part of the day.

Labels: aging, birthday, mom