Today, I wandered down memory lane. You see, last January I met a man who at first merely intrigued me and then I slowly felt a melting of my heart for him. He wrote me some of the most delicious, romantic poetry and emails. We fed off of each other's creative spirit and we even wrote collaborations together. I was his muse and inspiration for some of the sexiest words ever written to me or for me.

We both rushed out of bed in the morning to our respective laptops for the emails and IM's we shared. He once told me "The way that your spirit touches me is truly wonderful and I think you should know that. Know also that you are special and very beautiful. Your spirit is vibrant and so invigorating against a world of so much gray." Melted....I simply melted. And then he told me "You are a goddess and your pedestal is assured." I was more than a little smitten. It got more involved, more intense and then *poof* he disappeared with word that he had to return to England and would contact me upon return from there. That was 10 months ago. He is alive and well and apparently very married, but I have not heard one word from him since.

I think I am a romance junkie. He hooked me up to some of the most incredible feelings I had felt since falling in love with my ex-hub and then he made me go cold turkey. I still read his words when I feel particularly low. I do believe--however naive--that he did fall in love with me. I don't know what his circumstances were and probably never will, but my Oh My! When I read his poetry, his love words I find I need a fix of him that will never come about. So I approach men now with great caution and I encase this fragile heart of mine in stone and ice for mere survival.

I cannot fathom how men can just callously walk away with nary a word, with no explanation for their change of heart/mind/desire. I often wonder if he thinks of me, his muse, his poetry whore, his beating heart. Does he feel a twinge of regret?

I never spoke of him because he started out a friend and he read my blog faithfully, but he doesn't do that any longer. I wanted him to myself, I never wanted to share what we had with the blog world. I treasured even the shortest of emails I had from him. Now I wonder if I will ever meet a man who will feel inspired by me. I wonder if, when I next give my heart, will he be man enough to stick around? I wonder if I will ever feel safe to present my heart as a gift.

Do men wake up one morning and decide, "Hey today is the day I am going to drive her mad. I won't express an interest in her any longer. I will cease talking to her, I will never send another email or IM. I will not provide an explanation." Is it unreasonable to expect or even hope for a reason that the wind changed direction? I don't think I will ever understand how a man can seem to change overnight. How can one day he show a phenomenal interest and the next be cold, distant, uninterested?

I have kicked my fair share of guys to the curb to be sure, but I have given a reason to all of them...hell, even the whack jobs were given an explanation for my lack of desire to spend any more time with them....maybe I should just not give a shit? It is a personal integrity thingy....damn....I have become soft in my tiredness tonight. Why the hell did I come down memory lane? Why do I lose sleep when a guy I am interested in just walks away with nary a word???????? Why, dammit, can't I get answers to these perplexing questions?

Labels: Memory lane is a bitch and she slapped me hard