I was a bit flummoxed this week when a former lover told me he could not bear to read my blog any longer because I was a train wreak waiting to happen with the getting drunk and sleeping with strangers posts I had been making. I was rather confused as the only post I wrote about getting drunk recently was Autumn Celebration. I do mention getting together with Bryan. He is less of a stranger to me in terms of actual face time than the former lover was when we first had sex.

It seems to me that sex with strangers happens more with someone you know. I was married to a man who never knew or understood me. I was with this former lover, but he never really lets people get close to him, so how well did I know him? He apparently doesn't know me as well as he likes to think if he is determined to believe that I will have sex with complete strangers I picked up in a bar. I have to wonder what is really going on with him. It can't be that I have been with other men, because he has read many posts about that since we broke up. I don't believe he is in love with me because I don't think he has given his heart in years due to fear. I don't believe it is concern for me because a concerned person would take some action (hey Sassy, we need to talk...I am concerned about recent events in your life, what the hell are you doing? Are you okay? Is there something I can do for you?).

I have never done the "sleep with just anyone from a bar" and never will. I felt safe when I did my partying because I was with some good friends who watched my back. Yes, they did get a laugh out of some of my antics that I can't recall doing, but in the end, I went home with people I knew. I knew Bryan well enough. We have mutual friends, he has a good reputation in the community. He ensured we made it home safely. He never hurt me. He and I have been in communication since that night and have plans to see each other again. That is not my definition of sex with a stranger.

Bryan is a gentleman and the kind of guy a girl can just hang around or have a relationship with. We haven't defined any parameters for us. We enjoy each others company, we obviously have some great chemistry that we wish to explore further, but neither is willing to be in a committed relationship at this point. We are honest and open with each other about our expectations or lack thereof. It works for both of us right now.

So contrary to this lover's stance, I am doing fine. I did have an emotional punch out this summer (which I never talked about only alluded to on my blog) but as with everything...time will heal that wound also. Life is a rollercoaster and I signed up for the deluxe package.

Labels: Complexity