My dear friend lost something precious recently and I can only stand aside and watch her pain. I have felt a similar pain when I lost my baby. It seems so long ago and yet this brings those feelings rushing back in. The ache, the tears, the loss.

My situation is different in that I did not want another child and was not trying to get preggers in the first place. I lost the only child I would ever conceive. I think that is why I try to stay so busy because sometimes at night I can't stop thinking about what might have been...I imagine what it would have been to see my child grow up. I wonder if I should adopt. Then I get busy with school and clients and friends and dating and let that thought drift away on the wind until next time.

I know sure as the sun will come out that my dear sweet friend will conceive again. I also know that her little gift will not be replaced or forgotten. I wish I could give her advice or tell her that this too shall pass, but really it never does. You never forget the little life inside you and I don't want to.

What I want for Smug....to give her lots of love and hugs and comfort. The things that I really never got enough of when I lost my little one.

Labels: Smug

Smug aka my best friend finally decided to join the blogger ranks. I think she is getting addicted to the healing properties of blogging. I guess she will have to comment on whether that is true or not.

I just know that when I ask her anything about the wedding (40 something days away) that her face lights up like a Christmas tree. I can't remember if I felt like that when I was getting married. I believe I did have that pre-wedding glow, but too much has passed since then to erase the memories of those particular feelings. I am a bit envious of her youthful optimism and obvious "in love" demeanor. I think sometimes that I am too burnt around the edges to ever feel that gooey love stuff and I hate that. I have always been such a romantic and to hear me talk now you would never believe it.

I was reading an article in Marie Claire today called "I, Fembot" and it could have been written about me. It discusses "a new breed of steely female"--one that does not cry easily and cringes at the thought of touchy-feely intimacy. I found one example resonated with me: "Lori had separated from her husband, a lead weight of a guy whom she had worked relentlessly to please. She decided it was time to focus on pleasing herself. 'When you go through a separation, you learn that you have to take care of yourself. There's a hardening, for better or for worse.'" While I do admit that I have a need for a lot of personal space, I hope that one day I will heal enough to feel the incredible sensation of falling and being in love.

When I look at Smug trying on her wedding gown, it gives me hope. When I apply her make-up for her bridal portrait and see that beautiful smile and inner glow outshine any Lancome product I could apply, I feel my heart twitch a little bit. Isn't she just lovely?

Labels: anti-bride, bride, Ryan, Smug